


All the Good and None of the Bad

by fidelisinfinitum



Category: Law and Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Episode Tag, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-07
Updated: 2017-07-07
Packaged: 2018-11-29 00:03:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11429028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fidelisinfinitum/pseuds/fidelisinfinitum
Summary: Nothing matters to Alex except the case. Nothing else matters.





	All the Good and None of the Bad

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning for attempted suicide (mentioned, like it was in the episode). This is based on Guilt, probably my favorite episode of season 3.

Alex let Olivia lead her away, Mrs. Cavanaugh's yelling still ringing in her ears. The bags under her eyes seemed to weigh more than usual, and she felt scruffy and disorganized, since she had only had time to throw on clothes before she was out the door. 

She realized Olivia was talking to her, and tried to focus on what she was saying. 

"Alex? Are you-"

"Yeah, I'm fine," Alex cut her off. "Better then Sam Cavanaugh right now, anyway."

Olivia's eyes met hers, and Alex wished it was just another day, that she could look at those eyes during better circumstances. She wished it wasn't the middle of the night, in a hospital, waiting to hear the fate of an attempted suicide, one Alex knew was her fault. 

***

Alex knew she shouldn't've yelled at them, that she was out of line, just as Cragen had said, but it hadn't stopped her. Nothing seemed to stop her anymore. Nothing else mattered, except this case. 

She would stop at nothing to put that bastard behind bars, no matter what she had to do. 

It didn't matter that every time she tried to sleep, she felt like crying from the guilt. It didn't matter that for the past couple weeks she had only seen Olivia at work. 

Nothing seemed to really matter anymore. 

***

That night, Olivia had called her, but Alex ignored it. She let her message play in the background as she tried to finish the paperwork when all she could think about was a way to get that warrant. 

"Hey, Alex, I don't care if you call me back or not. I just want you to know, I'm not mad about what you said earlier. I'm sorry we couldn't do more."

Alex barely heard her.

***

Alex tried to apologize after court, but it had felt like a lie. Because she wasn't sorry. Not even close. How could she be sorry when she'd done the right thing? How could she be sorry when she's gotten justice for Sam Cavanaugh the only way that would have worked?

Olivia saw right through her, as always. 

***

Alex was glad it was only a months suspension, but the chewing out she got from Liz was as bad as a years suspension. 

She hated the way Liz saw right through her act that fooled juries and defense attorneys, and even judges. She hated the way she knew the older woman was right about her. All Alex Cabot would ever be was selfish, trying to do the right thing, but only for the wrong reasons. Only to make herself feel better. 

Alex wished it actually worked. 

***

That night, she went to Olivia's apartment, told her what had happened, and told her she wished it never happened. 

"I don't think that's true," Olivia said, curled up on the couch next to her. They had the television on mute, it's flickering light flashing on Alex's glasses. "I think you wish all the bad parts never happened, and that all the good parts still did."

"That's the dream, right?" Alex asked, trying for a joke, but ending up sounding cynical. Olivia's hand ran through her hair, and Alex felt the sleepless nights finally catching up to her. 

"You want to stay here tonight?" Olivia asked, seeing Alex's eyelids droop. 

"Yeah," said Alex. It was easier this way. Stay with Olivia, pretend it was a holiday instead of a suspension, try to forget about all the bad things she'd done. 

Liz Donnelley's words echoed in her mind: 

"I've got news for you. It won't happen. Ever."

Alex snuggled against Olivia, wanting to believe that she was right, it would make it so much easier. But she knew too much to placate herself with half truths like that. 

"Stop thinking so much," Olivia said, dropping a kiss on Alex's head. Alex smiled. 

"What did I ever do to deserve you?" Alex asked. It was an old joke in their relationship, each having asked the other that same question a dozen times, whether jokingly or serious. 

"Everything," Olivia replied.

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt me on my tumblr!


End file.
